Again . . Seriously?

Last week was the first week of the kids’ summer vacation.  I announced to them that I needed a “catch-up” week.  It worked out well for them.  They got to be a bit more couch-potato-ey and relax.

This week I was supposed to be caught up.  I’m not.  I was driving to an appointment this afternoon and felt like crying.  I was feeling so stressed.  Besides the work stress stuff, I’ve also put this extra stress on myself to fix everything in one week.  Why do I do this?  I put this extra stress on myself to be superwoman – to get everything done and to be there for everyone.  Why do I do this?

I stopped and prayed.  Ugh.  Again.  I’ve done it again.  I go off on my own, thinking if I do this or do that or work hard enough, that I’ll get everything right . . that I’ll be enough all by myself.  I am not.  I know I am not.  I did some praying.  And I did some forgiving of myself for doing this again; for taking everything on to myself . . again.  I asked God to forgive me too.  And I asked for his help.

This evening, I’m not caught up.  But I’m not stressed.  I have peace.  I’ll keep plugging away here.  But more than that, I’m going to keep trying to fix my broken thinking and processes that keep me coming back to this place.

I gave myself some time tonight.  I took two kiddos and went to the track.  The rain started sprinkling while we were there.  The kids played and laughed in the rain while I ran/walked.  It made my heart smile.

When we got back home, I let myself lay down for a while.  I rested . . in the afternoon . . with work at my desk.  It felt wonderful.  I let go of the stress of these papers and their deadlines.  I’ll let go of the stress tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.  And I’ll keep letting go of it every day.  I don’t want it.  And it doesn’t need to be here.  I’ll also keep working to make things better and less stressful overall.

Tonight I am thankful for a God who loves us and wants us to have good things.  Good things like peace and love and happiness.  I am my biggest obstacle sometimes . . . fortunately God sees this and he’s always there to help me get around myself . . time and time again.