Confrontational Peace

I think this whole “getting older” thing has some perks.  After living with myself for a number of years, I’ve started to understand myself better than before.

Years ago I would have described myself as non-confrontational.  I would have been partially wrong.  The definition of confrontation (and yes, I looked up the exact definition just for this blog) is “the act of confronting: . . . a face-to face-meeting . . . the clashing of forces or ideas . . ”

After a few decades with myself, I have learned that it is not the meeting or the clashing of ideas that drives me.  Honestly, I would be happy with no confronting on a day-to-day basis.  But, I like peace.

Although my love of peace seems in stark contrast to the part of my personality dubbed “confrontational”; they are actually in coexistence.  I do not have peace with things left unsaid or things left misunderstood.  This is who I am.  I have a very hard time just “letting things go”.  I need to know that I’ve tried to make things right to the best of my ability.  Then and only then I can let them go.  And honestly, even then it is a monumental undertaking for me.

This drives my husband insane.  He is very good at letting things go.  This fact is not super pertinent to this blog; except for the fact that . .  yes, I hear I should just back-off regularly.  But I can’t . . . not if I want to sleep at night.

Tonight I am thankful for the peace I have with knowing that for me to have peace, I have to try.  Yes, I know it makes people uncomfortable sometimes.  Yes, I know it even pushes people away at times.  People don’t always want to talk things thru . . they’d rather give up or be mad or whatever.  I don’t know how to do that.  And I kind of hope I never learn how.  I don’t like giving up.  I like things to be fixed and at peace.  This is me . . confrontationally peaceful . . and I’m ok with that.