Grieving

Today was a grieving day.

I had a friend.  I no longer have a friend.  I care deeply about the people who I let close to me.  And I cared about her.  I listened to the words she said.  I believed in her dreams.  And I don’t think she even knew how much.

I don’t know how to let someone close to me; and do it half-heartedly.  I don’t do social hour to pass the time with people.  If I spend time with someone, it is intentional.

I also see the positive and negative of people.  All my loved ones, and myself; I want to know the good and the bad.  I want to know them completely.  I want to know who they are when I’m not around.  I want to know them.  I want to know their character regardless of who they are or where they are.  I want to know them completely.

I was delusional.  A friendship without honesty isn’t really a friendship.  Being told I am wrong and ruined a friendship because I was honest and didn’t follow a rule I’ve never heard of is insane.  My feelings don’t matter because someone else doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable.

I thought maybe written words were misunderstood.  Today was in person.  I still don’t matter because it makes the other person uncomfortable to hear what I experienced.   I’ve been here before with other people I thought were my friends.  If it’s easier to blame me and end a friendship than dealing with facts of what happened.  I could have said more.  I could have said waaay more.  I was being nice.  I was told I shouldn’t have spoken at all.  Censorship is not my thing.

Tonight I am thankful for prayer.  Honestly, I am hurt here.  I have spent today praying to be able to forgive and have peace.  I had held out a little hope.  Now I don’t.  It’s done.  And the logical part of me says it is for the best.  If I have to walk on eggshells and if I have to pretend that people are allowed to hurt me so that someone else doesn’t feel uncomfortable . . . well then what good is that?  I’ll keep praying; prayers to forgive and prayers to heal.  And it will come.