Save Me

This blog has been rolling around in my mind for weeks now actually. It started when I first heard the song Save Me by Jelly Roll. Sometimes a person hears a song and it touches their soul, and this is one of those.

I think what the song does very, very well is captures the person behind the addiction. Judgements on people with addictions can be heartless and cruel. No one wakes up one morning and thinks, Hey, I should go find something that could control my life. It never starts there.

In the 80’s my soul felt like this song. I am an empath at heart, with a feisty, ready to fight side, so I don’t know which side of me you may know, or maybe somewhere in the middle. But, let’s talk about 7/8 year old me. Seven/eight year old me had a very sensitive heart, and my heart was almost intertwined with my mom’s. I used to naturally wake up early, around 6am. I would sneak down the stairs and witnessed my mom crying or praying. During my parent’s divorce, I watched the woman who was my strength, falter. She tried to stay strong in front of my brother and I, but I felt her break. And somewhere in there, my mind started to isolate . . if that is the right description? There is over a year of my life that I have very little memory of. I do remember sitting and staring in to space, losing interest and stopping to care about a lot of things in life. There was no substance abuse, I was a child. But, the feelings of hopelessness and just a void of feelings was there. Thankfully when you’re a kid, like I was, there was nothing worse to turn to.

In my life, I’ve loved many family members and friends who have struggled with addictions. And the void is there – whether the aim is to rid one’s self of feelings, or hide that the feelings have created a void, or bury the feelings that have developed while on the downward journey; it is there. And always right there with it are the feelings of not being worthy of help; but wanting it. The feelings of knowing that you are the one that you need help from; but not knowing how to get that help, or how to even ask for it, and doubting you deserve it. Your heart is in pieces, your mind is desperate, your hope is lost, and yet a part of you wants to hold on that someone can save you, save you from yourself.

Tonight I am thankful that I was taught about God from a young age. When I felt nothing and the days were a blur, my 7/8 year old heart prayed for God to help me. I prayed for my mom, and at her darkest hour; God stepped in and saved her. I prayed for my brother, and his heart saw the truth too. The truth is that God loves us – no matter what, no matter what addictions there are, no matter what wrongs we’ve done or had done to us, no matter anything you could think of; God loves you. And the title of the song, “Save Me”? God is there and ready to save us when we are ready to turn to him. 7/8 year old me did not have an instant change, but there was a change. Sometimes the answer comes in an instant, sometimes it takes time. But no matter the time table, the thing that never changes is that God loves you and wants good things for you. Have faith and don’t waiver; but even if you do waiver, God is still there loving you, wanting what is best for you, and working to bless you like you can’t even imagine. ❤️