I think this whole “getting older” thing has some perks. After living with myself for a number of years, I’ve started to understand myself better than before.
Years ago I would have described myself as non-confrontational. I would have been partially wrong. The definition of confrontation (and yes, I looked up the exact definition just for this blog) is “the act of confronting: . . . a face-to face-meeting . . . the clashing of forces or ideas . . ”
After a few decades with myself, I have learned that it is not the meeting or the clashing of ideas that drives me. Honestly, I would be happy with no confronting on a day-to-day basis. But, I like peace.
Although my love of peace seems in stark contrast to the part of my personality dubbed “confrontational”; they are actually in coexistence. I do not have peace with things left unsaid or things left misunderstood. This is who I am. I have a very hard time just “letting things go”. I need to know that I’ve tried to make things right to the best of my ability. Then and only then I can let them go. And honestly, even then it is a monumental undertaking for me.
This drives my husband insane. He is very good at letting things go. This fact is not super pertinent to this blog; except for the fact that . . yes, I hear I should just back-off regularly. But I can’t . . . not if I want to sleep at night.
Tonight I am thankful for the peace I have with knowing that for me to have peace, I have to try. Yes, I know it makes people uncomfortable sometimes. Yes, I know it even pushes people away at times. People don’t always want to talk things thru . . they’d rather give up or be mad or whatever. I don’t know how to do that. And I kind of hope I never learn how. I don’t like giving up. I like things to be fixed and at peace. This is me . . confrontationally peaceful . . and I’m ok with that.