Tag: desires

Some dreams are born out of your heart’s desire. Some dreams are built in defense. I had a dream that was both.

When I was a kid, pre-teen, my dream was to travel the US in a truck, with a sheepdog, writing for a magazine. It was my heart’s desire in that, I don’t care to interact with a lot of people, I love driving, a dog is a great companion, and I love to write.

It was built in defense, because in this dream no one could ever hurt me. Marriages fail, people lie, people leave, I didn’t want that life. I never wanted to fall in love or get married. This dream was a life of running from emotions so that I never had to hurt any more.

I really do think that is why God had me meet the hubster at a younger age. Or else I would have been on the run. Most people are so happy when they fall in love. I cried. I didn’t want it. When I realized I loved him, I pulled over on the side of the road and had myself a big ugly cry. Not really Disney material. (He knows. It’s ok. I think it should make him feel more special and loved, knowing that I could have just skipped town and not looked back!)

Fortunately God knows better. ❤️ My life hiding on the road would not have been all I had it planned to be. I know that. I don’t regret one minute of the past 28 years that I’ve known the hubster, even when he’s broken my heart; I still don’t regret this gift that God has given me. And I most certainly cherish the four beautiful kiddos that I’ve been blessed with! This life does not hold a candle to the life I had planned.

But God . . well, he knows that a part of that dream that I had was actually from a good place, not a bad place. There is a scripture “Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart”. Psalm 37:4. I’ve been trying with the “delight” part. So, so much I’ve been trying to stay diligent with this. Grief sucks. And the past 12+ months of pre-goodbyes and then goodbyes with two very important people in my life have sucked. Kiddos growing up and leaving was expected, and I am so proud of them. And I wouldn’t wish them to be here when they are meant to be out forging their paths! I am very proud, but sometimes the other side of those feelings suck, because I miss them being here every day. So I have had praise and worship music on often. I have been praying so, so much. And some days I feel like I am getting it! Then the next day might be a little lower, so I turn the music up higher.

Anyway, I’ve been working on the delight part! I really have! And now, the countdown begins for me to be traveling a two day drive (I’m making it three to stop and explore places) by myself!! I’ll admit, at first I was a little salty because it seemed to me that the plans should be different. But, that was also me not listening and not having the patience to understand the whole situation. I have fixed that. I have listened. I have understood. And now, I am seeing this for the blessing that it is! A chance to live a bit of a dream that I had as a girl. 🙂 I am getting very excited! Two/three days drive down. Two days at the destination spot. Two/three days drive back. Exploring! Writing! Videos! Pictures! It’ll be great! I do have a white fluffy dog, not a sheepdog, and she’s not coming. But, it is still kind of a funny detail to my childhood dream and today’s reality! And, I have this blog, I’ve had my own local paper, and I’ve written two books! Not the magazine I was planning to write for, but I think it’s pretty comparable 🙂

Tonight I am thankful that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart. ❤️ Even when we stupidly get mad first. I had gotten mad first, when there was the misunderstanding. I have apologized. And now I do see this for the gift that it truly is. Stay tuned! I leave in one week!