Tag: faith

I remember in 3rd grade, sitting crossed legged on the floor, staring at my reflection in a mirror, feeling and thinking nothing. There was no more to feel. No more thoughts to think. But tears still found their way out. I was tired of things that didn’t make sense. I was tired of emotions that contradicted each other. I was empty, but I wasn’t. I knew God was still there. I just didn’t know enough about anything yet to know what would happen next. I wasn’t scared. I was just there. If I knew what “spooling” was, like an electronic device, that was me. Just waiting for something else to load. I wasn’t panicked. I was existing. And what my mind couldn’t put in to words, my eyes let roll down my cheeks.

Now adays, I don’t like spooling. I don’t like waiting. As an adult, even when I’m empty and done with thoughts and feelings; I want to move. I tell myself that I don’t have to sit and wait anymore. Until I do have to do just that.

Tears keep leaking out from the weight of the situations that I can’t change. I can’t control. I can’t improve. I can’t guide. Not yet. In John 11:35 Jesus wept. He was going to do something. He was going to change the situation. But first, he had tears leaking out too.

These situations will change. There will be things to do. And just as Jesus was responsible for Lazarus being alive after death in the verses after he wept; he is responsible for the living after death that I pray in celebration for my loved ones. Death isn’t finality for those who know Jesus and know where they are going. For that, I am eternally grateful; but I’ll still cry.

Tonight I am thankful that Heaven is real and that we can take comfort in knowing when our loved ones go home; that we’ll see them again. Tonight I am thankful to be able to pray for strength and patience while knowing that this year will end with less people in my life than it started with. I am thankful that there is still time. I am thankful that amid the days of “spooling”, I’ll be able to have days of visiting and loving.