I am an overly-emotional person at heart. I have a wonderful mother who has reminded me, for as long as I can remember, that I get a little overboard at times. She has gently, but firmly pulled me back to reality, whether I like it or not. That is a wonderful gift. (I’m pretty sure I’ve thanked her for this . . . but I’ll call her tomorrow to be sure!)
I feel a little tug at my heart when I read parenting things about children and letting them ride out their emotions. Of course, I am not any type of expert in such matters. But there are things that I know to be true about emotions just from being a living, breathing person. Number one is that emotions can be absolute liars. Number two is that emotions can be quick sand, pulling you in deeper than you wanted to go and holding you there. And number three is that emotions will change.
Knowing these things about emotions, it does not seem like it is in my child’s best interest to let them ride out a crazy emotional wave. Of course, I do not live in denial about emotions. Emotions are a valuable thing in life! But, anything in excess is dangerous, including emotions.
Today, for example, my child was frustrated. I understand that he was frustrated. He is allowed to be frustrated. What was not ok was jumping off the frustration diving board in to a pool of self-pity, anxiousness, anger, and whining.
We had a talk about the actual situation. He tried to dramatize the situation. We had a talk again about the actual situation. He tried to get mad about the situation. We had a talk again about the actual situation. He tried tears about how horrible the situation was. We had a talk again about the actual situation.
I could have let him go off and become an emotional wreck. But, what good would that have done for either of us? I think every person alive has had one of those emotionally-wrecking jumps off the deep end. It exhausts a person. It does not lead to any positive outcome of a situation. And many times, a person can look back and see where they crossed the line of emotional sanity. What if someone had stood on that line and made you turn around, pointing at the line and yelling “Don’t cross this! You want to go back and find another way!” What if that person then took your hand and showed you a different way to go? Wouldn’t that be wonderful? What if this was a better way to go rather than letting your child ride out an emotional wave? I don’t want emotional quicksand to become a place where my children ever feel comfortable being.
In a different summary, today’s conversation with my child went like this:
Him – “I’m frustrated and upset.”
Me – “I understand that is how you feel, now let’s fix it.”
Him – “I don’t want to fix it! I want to be upset.”
Me – “No, we’re going to look at the problem and fix it.”
Him – “NO, I AM UPSET AND WILL STAY UPSET! THE PROBLEM IS HOW I FEEL. THE REAL PROBLEM IS NOT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM!!”
Me – “No, you can decide to look at the problem now and fix it. Or you can spend all night upset and still end up fixing the problem, because we will fix the problem tonight.”
Him – “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT. WHAT I DID WAS FINE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE. EVERYONE IS AGAINST ME. NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.”
Me – “No, the problem is still the problem. I do understand how you feel. But, you are feeling this way because you don’t want to look at this problem. Look at the problem. Let’s fix it together. Then see if you still feel the same way – because you won’t. How do you want to spend the rest of your evening?”
A short time later, the problem was fixed. My child was proud for fixing the problem. And we did not spend the rest of the night arguing.
Emotions can be liars. Emotions can change with a decision to go a different way (sometimes repeatedly making this decision). Emotions can be reigned in, corralled, and redirected. This is a skill. It isn’t natural to everyone. I know! I am still working on this skill in life! But, I’ve come a long way from where I used to be!
Tonight I am thankful for the patience to teach self-control over emotions to my children. Some days I’m not the perfect example. But, I try. They try. We’ll all grow up together 😉 And when they can avoid an emotional quicksand episode one day by just taking a step back and making a plan and a decision to go another way; they’ll be so proud of themselves! Of course, I am already proud because I know they will get there! I see their struggles to get there!
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”
Hebrews 12:11
Bug's Bright Side 