Broken

I’ve been feeling it lately.  I’ll admit it now.  I don’t like to admit feeling stressed . . or maybe I just don’t like to be stressed.  I handle a lot and try to let go of the rest.

Right now, in the next week or two of life there are several big, huge life things all happening at once.  So then what do I do?  I put added pressure on myself.  “Ok”, I tell myself, “do this.  And keep that up.  Start on this now, so you don’t fall behind.  Just need to make it thru this stuff and things will calm down.”  This morning was one of those.  I had my list all laid out of things I wanted accomplished before I walked out the door.  And then . . life.

It was a lamp that I probably wouldn’t give a second glance to if I saw it anywhere on this Earth.  But this lamp came from my Grandpa and Grandma’s house.  This lamp stayed in a living room that had so much love in it, you could feel it in the air.  This lamp was supposed to be pretty safe – it was in the corner, not by anything, with a tension rod holding it from floor to ceiling.  This lamp is older than I am.  This lamp was my Grandparent’s and that made this lamp more special than most things.  This lamp broke.

It was an accident.  But I was MAD.  I sent children out of the room.  I knew it was an accident, so I wasn’t going to yell.  But I needed a minute, or 10 million minutes.  I cleaned up the glass and had to leave.  I chastised myself on my drive.  I wondered if Grandma ever really liked the lamp.  I’ll have to ask her.  And I could just picture Grandpa looking down from Heaven.  On Earth he wouldn’t have appreciated the broken lamp either!  But from Heaven, I can just hear his voice reminding me that it is just “stuff”.

I wrestled with this for a good part of the day; blaming myself for letting me get so stressed.  And it’s one of those things when you’re standing in the middle of a storm, all you see around you is the storm.

Then I had a conversation with a friend.  It started as a work-call.  And in a work-reference she said something that struck a chord.  I don’t have to have all the answers right now.  Like, just walk out of the storm dummy!  (I added that Dummy part myself because it totally fits for what I was doing to myself!)

Yes, my calendar looks crazy right now.  And yes, I have some big things to accomplish.  But why, oh why, do I put perfection of all big things on myself?  I’m not a perfectionist in all things in life.  But somehow, with responsibility, I’ll take it all.

I’ve been praying for a few days now . . trying so hard to have faith.  Trying to not take this all on myself.  Trying to not worry.  Sometimes when you stand in a storm you pray for the storm to pass . . when your feet aren’t planted in the ground.  Why does the storm need to pass?  Why can you . . why can’t I walk out of the storm and watch it from the outside instead of the inside?

Tonight I am thankful for a lesson from a broken lamp.  I just can’t be thankful for the broken lamp . . although I can put on new shades and the lamp will be fine.  No, I am thankful for the lesson that I don’t have to have it all together right now.  I will trust God to walk thru this with me, give my best efforts, and give myself unapologetic and courageous grace for being only human!

**Pic of the lamp at Grandma’s house ❤

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