I Didn’t Know . . Guilt & Fear

One week ago I was talking with a very wise woman, my mother.  I was just talking about life stuff.  I was talking about goals and reasonings.  I made an innocent comment about part of what drives me.  And she said, “that is not from God.”.

I felt like when you wake up from a good nap and don’t know what day it is.  Part of what drives me, part of what keeps from my more sane goals, has actually been fear.  Fear is not from God.  I hadn’t noticed.  I had no idea.

It started so innocent.  There were hard times in our family about a decade ago.  And I have carried a lot of that with me.  I’ve carried more than I thought.  I thought that I’d let it all go.  I thought I’d forgiven myself for making dumb decisions.  I carried all of it for my family back then.  And I thought I had let it go.  But, if now, ten years later, I’m making decisions because of the “what-if’s” from years ago; then I haven’t let it go.  This is more than just “lessons learned” from years ago.  This is based out of – I don’t want to let my family down like I felt that I did around ten years ago.

The funny thing (not really funny though) was that when I was talking with my mom a little later; the part where I felt like I let my family down . . . never actually happened.  I saw the worst that the situation could have been.  I remember feeling helpless, scared, and so at-fault for not having better prepared my household to face a life-storm.  But we did survive.  The part I was most afraid of, never happened.  Yet, I’m making decisions now, ten years later, so that the worst-case scenario of a decade ago, can never touch us now. . . . that’s fear.  That’s not faith.

This is a Heavenly message.  There has been so much lately that has been building; and is still building towards this.  There was a saying that I read weeks ago that has stuck with me.  I am horrible at quoting, but it was something along the lines of the habits that got you thru a storm are not the ones that will cause you to prosper after the storm.  Boy that one hit home too!  And today, a book that I had ordered arrived.  This book is a planner, and I’m horrible at planners.  This one is different.  This is a goal planner produced by a company that is so tremendously above the norm on goals and peaceful, personal contentment. Just flipping thru the pages, I see what a fantastic tool this will be.  God has some great things ahead!  And I see him lining all this up, to get me to where I need to be to be able to receive these blessings.

Tonight I am thankful that God doesn’t give up on us!  It’s been over ten years that I’ve been carrying this and I couldn’t see it.  God could.  And he’s been sending help in my path for me to see this weight so I can let go of this anchor that has been holding me back and stealing my peace.  This will be a process.  But I know I’m not alone thru it ❤

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